Rolling with the Punches

I name my blogs like most of my songs, just random words that may or may not have anything to do with the paragraphs that end up below. It's funner that way. Is funner a word yet? It should be. If for no other reason than so that my dumb doesn't show when I attempt to use it in a conversation. I guess I could google it. Who has time for that?

I should start by saying that I am listening to Sara Bareilles album "The Blessed Unrest" on repeat in the background as I type this and I am easily distracted. You should also take a listen if you get the chance. She has me fully inspired and I wish I had paid attention to her talent years ago! Amazing stuff. Also Sophie is not happy that I'm not giving her attention either.

Look who is trying to distract me!

If you are here you are more than likely looking for that follow up post to my last entry. So here's what I've learned. I am a compulsive overeater. If you read that and cringe, I feel ya. It doesn't paint the sexiest picture. Recovery isn't sexy either I suppose. Let me back up and get you caught up to where I am at today.

About a month ago, maybe two I was feeling particularly gross. Just over this whole fat thing. It started feeling a little old, a little tired and a little not-little. I've known that my health has been in jeopardy. I've been told by doctors that my infertility at the moment is caused by my obesity. I've been put on anti-diabetic medications and water pills for the continuous swelling in my legs. Acid reflux has woken me from a dead sleep at 4am to puke until I get some relief. I've had dizzy spells at work where my blood sugar has dropped so low I've had to go home and again, back to the puking, until I feel better and can sleep it off. Basically I've gone from my weight bothering me solely because I can't shop at Target to bothering me because I'm actually getting sick.

I remember feeling happy that my weight had never made me sick. I held onto that I suppose to make myself feel better about my situation. After finally feeling fed up one night I decided to email my insurance and ask about gastric bypass.

For most of you that don't know me that well, I've never been pro-surgery. I believe there are people that it helps and there are people that need it to survive or just to live a normal life. I, for whatever reason, just have never wanted surgery. I was that desperate. Prior to getting married I had looked into it and found out that my insurance did not cover it so I moved on and forgot about it. But since I'm now married and on Chris' insurance I thought, well might as well give it a shot. Turns out my current insurance covers the surgery 100%. I was in shock. I was excited! This is going to change my life. I stayed up and watched youtube videos on  the surgery and looked at before and after pictures, so much inspiration!

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doctor and get her opinion. She was very supportive. I didn't need much from her, but just felt good having her opinion. She said she had many patients that were successful. She also pointed me in the direction of which hospital she recommended. With that I watched the online seminar and scheduled to see their benefits coordinator to make sure my insurance really was accepted 100% and to go over more specifics regarding the process.

In the back of my mind I've always known that my relationship with food was more than an issue on the surface. I saw a counselor when I was in high school specifically for weight related issues but she really didn't help much. I do remember that I liked to see her though. So I thought, what the heck! I found a counselor that I recognized from my linked in profile. The other perk to my insurance besides covering the surgery was that I have mental health benefits and it just costs me 10 dollars a session to see her. Anybody who has ever had to deal with mental health benefits know that they are few and far between and usually only cover a handful of sessions but not mine. I'm very lucky & believe me I know it.

I figured at this point, I would go through whatever is required for the surgery and also have these counseling sessions too. Double up! Double help for Tessa! I'll take it! Meeting with the intake coordinator confirmed that insurance surely does cover gastric 100%. I have to give 2 years weight history, all diet history, follow a 4 month physician supervised diet and then I'm good to go. I also have to have a psych evaluation. When I asked the receptionist about it before I left she said it was basically to weed out people who are food addicts because the surgery wouldn't be the right answer for those individuals.

And as I sit here after 6 or so sessions with my counselor, I understand why. I get why surgery will not work for me.

It was hard to give myself that identity. Food Addict. To identify as an addict of any kind is scary. It's being out of control. Part of realizing and accepting that I'm an addict is to accept that I am a liar. And a manipulator. And that I'm not fully myself anymore. Not as long as I'm powerless.

The light at the end of this tunnel is knowing that I'm finding myself again. I used to like that old Tessa. I don't know where she went. My best guess is the deeper I got into my addiction the more cracks formed and where those cracks formed my light seeped out and I let some darkness in.

WOW this ended up very long and very unfunny! I guess that's what happens when you don't blog during the process.

Here's something to lighten up the mood before I go:

Toodles & I promise not to abandon you again. :)