Happy Day After Mileygate!

Yoooooo. Miley Cyrus. VMA's. That girl is legit cray cray. I didn't mind. Honestly? I kinda loved it. And the more hate I read all up in my facebook page from my 'friends' the more I love it. She got exactly what she wanted. Good for her. Y'all are slut shaming. It wasn't that bad. I too wish she had danced instead of humping a foam finger but it's nothing scandalous. I'm more surprised at the backlash. I don't know why, but I found the whole thing funny. She's not a hardcore drug addict. She doesn't appear to have any mental issues. She's just a young girl on a big stage with everybody watching except the people that maybe should be. That's speculation but come on, give her a break. Stop hating. To quote Miley herself "Forget the haters, cuz somebody loves ya."

Okay so back to food and stuff. I've been doing well making changes that make sense. There is a good plan for me to follow from a food addiction treatment recovery plan based in Florida and I'm still working my way to fully being 'abstinent' and following the new plan 100%. So far I have stayed away from all fast food. This was really hard for me. I have become addicted to certain trigger foods and all fast food joints fall into that category. There have been many days when it's been more convenient to think about going to a drive thru but I like to imagine I live in a world where they just don't exist and Wendy's is a tire shop instead.

I am always amazed at the amount of energy and how much lighter I feel when I eat mostly clean foods that I cook at home. You would think that would be enough! Anyone who has dealt with addiction in any form knows that the beautiful side of sobriety is not usually enough to keep an addict on the straight and narrow. There's such a pull to what we crave.

I also find my mind seems clearer too. As I clean out the junk food in my life, my junk thoughts seem to go with it. Maybe I wasn't just feeding my addiction, but feeding my negative mind too. I'm sure it all goes hand it hand.

The counselor that I see says I am on the "pink cloud" and that I will eventually crash back down to earth and start to have to deal with the things I've been stuffing down. I will just do as well as I can and take it a day at a time.

Progress, not perfection.

Love & Peace,
T

Rolling with the Punches

I name my blogs like most of my songs, just random words that may or may not have anything to do with the paragraphs that end up below. It's funner that way. Is funner a word yet? It should be. If for no other reason than so that my dumb doesn't show when I attempt to use it in a conversation. I guess I could google it. Who has time for that?

I should start by saying that I am listening to Sara Bareilles album "The Blessed Unrest" on repeat in the background as I type this and I am easily distracted. You should also take a listen if you get the chance. She has me fully inspired and I wish I had paid attention to her talent years ago! Amazing stuff. Also Sophie is not happy that I'm not giving her attention either.

Look who is trying to distract me!

If you are here you are more than likely looking for that follow up post to my last entry. So here's what I've learned. I am a compulsive overeater. If you read that and cringe, I feel ya. It doesn't paint the sexiest picture. Recovery isn't sexy either I suppose. Let me back up and get you caught up to where I am at today.

About a month ago, maybe two I was feeling particularly gross. Just over this whole fat thing. It started feeling a little old, a little tired and a little not-little. I've known that my health has been in jeopardy. I've been told by doctors that my infertility at the moment is caused by my obesity. I've been put on anti-diabetic medications and water pills for the continuous swelling in my legs. Acid reflux has woken me from a dead sleep at 4am to puke until I get some relief. I've had dizzy spells at work where my blood sugar has dropped so low I've had to go home and again, back to the puking, until I feel better and can sleep it off. Basically I've gone from my weight bothering me solely because I can't shop at Target to bothering me because I'm actually getting sick.

I remember feeling happy that my weight had never made me sick. I held onto that I suppose to make myself feel better about my situation. After finally feeling fed up one night I decided to email my insurance and ask about gastric bypass.

For most of you that don't know me that well, I've never been pro-surgery. I believe there are people that it helps and there are people that need it to survive or just to live a normal life. I, for whatever reason, just have never wanted surgery. I was that desperate. Prior to getting married I had looked into it and found out that my insurance did not cover it so I moved on and forgot about it. But since I'm now married and on Chris' insurance I thought, well might as well give it a shot. Turns out my current insurance covers the surgery 100%. I was in shock. I was excited! This is going to change my life. I stayed up and watched youtube videos on  the surgery and looked at before and after pictures, so much inspiration!

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doctor and get her opinion. She was very supportive. I didn't need much from her, but just felt good having her opinion. She said she had many patients that were successful. She also pointed me in the direction of which hospital she recommended. With that I watched the online seminar and scheduled to see their benefits coordinator to make sure my insurance really was accepted 100% and to go over more specifics regarding the process.

In the back of my mind I've always known that my relationship with food was more than an issue on the surface. I saw a counselor when I was in high school specifically for weight related issues but she really didn't help much. I do remember that I liked to see her though. So I thought, what the heck! I found a counselor that I recognized from my linked in profile. The other perk to my insurance besides covering the surgery was that I have mental health benefits and it just costs me 10 dollars a session to see her. Anybody who has ever had to deal with mental health benefits know that they are few and far between and usually only cover a handful of sessions but not mine. I'm very lucky & believe me I know it.

I figured at this point, I would go through whatever is required for the surgery and also have these counseling sessions too. Double up! Double help for Tessa! I'll take it! Meeting with the intake coordinator confirmed that insurance surely does cover gastric 100%. I have to give 2 years weight history, all diet history, follow a 4 month physician supervised diet and then I'm good to go. I also have to have a psych evaluation. When I asked the receptionist about it before I left she said it was basically to weed out people who are food addicts because the surgery wouldn't be the right answer for those individuals.

And as I sit here after 6 or so sessions with my counselor, I understand why. I get why surgery will not work for me.

It was hard to give myself that identity. Food Addict. To identify as an addict of any kind is scary. It's being out of control. Part of realizing and accepting that I'm an addict is to accept that I am a liar. And a manipulator. And that I'm not fully myself anymore. Not as long as I'm powerless.

The light at the end of this tunnel is knowing that I'm finding myself again. I used to like that old Tessa. I don't know where she went. My best guess is the deeper I got into my addiction the more cracks formed and where those cracks formed my light seeped out and I let some darkness in.

WOW this ended up very long and very unfunny! I guess that's what happens when you don't blog during the process.

Here's something to lighten up the mood before I go:

Toodles & I promise not to abandon you again. :)

Hello my name is Tessa and I'm a compulsive overeater...

Hey hey pretty people! Long time, no blog. I can be really lame sometimes. I think I've explained this before. I get really into something and then kaplat. Lost it. Kind of explains my history of dieting, and in turn my MIAness in regards to this blog.  There is a long story to explain this and I will be posting it soon. The title should give some of it away. I look forward to sharing, it's just going on midnight and I don't feel up to it tonight. I didn't forget about you little blog, see you soon!

I will leave you with this little gem- 

 

From the Dirty Girl Mud RUN! I did it! My first 5K. WOOT!

Motivate Me Failed at Motivating Me

Wassup hot stuff?

That is so rude of me! For reals, don't be disappointed. I have pondered many times how it is that I have no followers, but I get it. I wouldn't follow me either! There will come a day when I will nail this shit down! Maybe 2013 is not my year? That would be bullshit. It is already my year in so many ways.

It is June! June 18th to be precise! That means this year, nearly 5 months ago I accomplished at least one thing that I have been attempting to do for 10 years, which is quit smoking! Success! If I don't lose another pound the rest of this year, I hold onto what an accomplishment that is. I downplay it, but it's a big fuckin deal man. I also have dramatically increased my H2O and decreased (almost to nothing) my pop intake. Again, huuuuge deal dudes. If only you knew. I was born and raised on Mountain Dew. Funny to think of that because now it makes me want to vomit. 

I've always has a weird relationship with pop (yes, it's pop around here snookums). I loved me some citrus sugar water when I was a wee lad, and again when I worked nights. I occasionally drank Diet Pepsi and a few Sprites, but that was it. I hated Coke. My mom has since given up pop, but she always had Diet Pepsi, and my dad Coke or beer. Coke was just- BLAH- so wretched. I will always remember where I was when I tried my first Diet Coke though. Target, 2006. I was there with my sister Miranda, shopping for who knows what. They were giving out samples of vitamin Diet Coke. I remember thinking, how bad can it be, it's got VITAMINS! So, I took a sip and was hooked. Diet Coke had me and it was an amazing thing. I never liked dark pop because I thought it would stain my teeth! Never mind that I smoked like a God damn chimney, or that I enjoyed coffee almost every single day.  Once Diet Coke had me, it did not want to let me go. Eventually though, we went our separate ways. It just stopped tasting good to me. I will say, I do every once and awhile indulge. I have always loved water but I do get a little bored with it. For now, I hydrate with tap water 

(btw, have you watched Tapped on Netflix? Those sneaky little fucks. Bottled water companies lie and are totes ripping you off) a little green tea, and a daily cup of black coffee. I have previously read somewhere that if you can drink black coffee you have no taste buds- uh oh. My mom always orders coffee that way so I was kind of raised that way and it saves you a ton of calories! Thanks mom! *wink*

I never thought I'd have enough to say on the topic of cutting back on my pop consumption. Sometimes I just amaze myself. 

Two goals down-
1. Quit smoking (or Miranda will kill you)
2. Stop drinking pop!
3. Eat healthy 90% of the time
4. WALK DAILY
5. Meditate
6. Create

Later Taters. 
T

Sometimes I Just Can't

What a rainy gross gloomy Friday. There are one thousand things I should be doing at this moment (okay, 4) yet I don't want to do any of them. Do you ever just completely lose all motivation? You want to do those dishes, you know you really need to do them but you just can't? You want to hop on that treadmill, but nothing will motivate this into happening? All I can think when this happens is the Good Charlotte song "The Motivation Proclamation" I need to play this song on repeat! No, not to torture myself ya jerks, but because maybe it'll trick my subconscious into doing something!

Without further ado:


Joel Madden is still hot, this makes me happy. He also turned out to be a great husband (although word on the street is they are on their way to splitsville) and great father.

Okay I've played it once and so far so good. There's no way in hell I'm leaving my couch tonight but I did bob my head. Totes a step in the right direction.

Love & Peace,
T

Heel Spur = Pain

Hello, Captain obvious here. Here's the deal yo, for the last month or so I've had some pretty intense feet pain. I recently went to my doctor about it because the pain was consistent and didn't seem to improve. When I saw the doc she pretty much right off the bat said it was plantar faciitis, she said she herself had experienced it before and sent me to see a podiatrist. It is painful, but only after exercise- so easy fix! Just don't exercise! My problem with that is that I'm still preparing for a 5K in like what...3 weeks now? I still haven't walked the full 3.2 miles yet. That could be a problem! I might end up crawling across that finish line, but I will cross it!

I ended up seeing a podiatrist today, since I'm 28 going on 95, four x-rays later and it was confirmed I have 3 heel spurs. One on the bottom in the heel of my left foot and one on the back of each foot. I don't notice pain with the spurs on the back of my feet, just the bottom heel. They taped my feet up and gave me some stretches that are supposed to help lift my arch. So far so good! Seems like every step I make to lose some weight I injure myself. It's getting old.

Hey y'all I'm a heel spur, here to fuck up your day

I'm always fascinated by doctor visits. Especially x-rays. I'm always nervous they are going to find something in there that isn't supposed to be there (like a tail or something, just me? okay). The doctor hung up my x-rays and took out her red crayon and went to town with all these marks where my bones apparently are supposed to be but  aren't and so on and so forth. After all that all I could think is "How have I been walking for 28 years with these fucked up feet?!" I guess it's normal but it still felt so surreal. She was also able to confirm with those x-rays that I do, in fact, have flat feet. I'm pretty sure you could take one look at these flippers and know that!

Heel that Pain, get it?

So off we go, to heal these spurs and save my little (big) feeties. Sorry this is more informative than funny but heel spurs are totes serious guys...

 

I was looking up pictures to go with this post and found this picture. Those faces. What the ole granny is this?! He seems to be hitting on her. Where's her foot? So many questions.

What? It's only been 20 days...

I have nailed failure. For sure.

Did you miss me? I will never gain a following pulling a disappearing act like that and I apologize. I just can't write with no inspiration. This month has really sucked overall for inspiration!  I did feel a spark of inspiration tonight though from a post on Facebook. I am friends with this guy who is also a personal trainer and he had shared a picture & story of one of his clients and her story. It seems like everybody elses success story except for that part where she says she finally one day started believing in herself. Believing truly that she deserved her health and she deserved happiness and that was when it all clicked. I keep getting off track and running in circles in my life, focusing on one thing at a time for about 2 days at a time. I just cannot seem to fit everything into my life. I want to dance more, sing more, play guitar more, read more, dream more, learn more, and there just is no time people!
I feel inspired and truly believe in myself when I have a purpose. When I'm creating or entertaining.

I continue to be a work in progress, but tonight I am starting to see the puzzle pieces come together.