Happy Day After Mileygate!

Yoooooo. Miley Cyrus. VMA's. That girl is legit cray cray. I didn't mind. Honestly? I kinda loved it. And the more hate I read all up in my facebook page from my 'friends' the more I love it. She got exactly what she wanted. Good for her. Y'all are slut shaming. It wasn't that bad. I too wish she had danced instead of humping a foam finger but it's nothing scandalous. I'm more surprised at the backlash. I don't know why, but I found the whole thing funny. She's not a hardcore drug addict. She doesn't appear to have any mental issues. She's just a young girl on a big stage with everybody watching except the people that maybe should be. That's speculation but come on, give her a break. Stop hating. To quote Miley herself "Forget the haters, cuz somebody loves ya."

Okay so back to food and stuff. I've been doing well making changes that make sense. There is a good plan for me to follow from a food addiction treatment recovery plan based in Florida and I'm still working my way to fully being 'abstinent' and following the new plan 100%. So far I have stayed away from all fast food. This was really hard for me. I have become addicted to certain trigger foods and all fast food joints fall into that category. There have been many days when it's been more convenient to think about going to a drive thru but I like to imagine I live in a world where they just don't exist and Wendy's is a tire shop instead.

I am always amazed at the amount of energy and how much lighter I feel when I eat mostly clean foods that I cook at home. You would think that would be enough! Anyone who has dealt with addiction in any form knows that the beautiful side of sobriety is not usually enough to keep an addict on the straight and narrow. There's such a pull to what we crave.

I also find my mind seems clearer too. As I clean out the junk food in my life, my junk thoughts seem to go with it. Maybe I wasn't just feeding my addiction, but feeding my negative mind too. I'm sure it all goes hand it hand.

The counselor that I see says I am on the "pink cloud" and that I will eventually crash back down to earth and start to have to deal with the things I've been stuffing down. I will just do as well as I can and take it a day at a time.

Progress, not perfection.

Love & Peace,
T

Rolling with the Punches

I name my blogs like most of my songs, just random words that may or may not have anything to do with the paragraphs that end up below. It's funner that way. Is funner a word yet? It should be. If for no other reason than so that my dumb doesn't show when I attempt to use it in a conversation. I guess I could google it. Who has time for that?

I should start by saying that I am listening to Sara Bareilles album "The Blessed Unrest" on repeat in the background as I type this and I am easily distracted. You should also take a listen if you get the chance. She has me fully inspired and I wish I had paid attention to her talent years ago! Amazing stuff. Also Sophie is not happy that I'm not giving her attention either.

Look who is trying to distract me!

If you are here you are more than likely looking for that follow up post to my last entry. So here's what I've learned. I am a compulsive overeater. If you read that and cringe, I feel ya. It doesn't paint the sexiest picture. Recovery isn't sexy either I suppose. Let me back up and get you caught up to where I am at today.

About a month ago, maybe two I was feeling particularly gross. Just over this whole fat thing. It started feeling a little old, a little tired and a little not-little. I've known that my health has been in jeopardy. I've been told by doctors that my infertility at the moment is caused by my obesity. I've been put on anti-diabetic medications and water pills for the continuous swelling in my legs. Acid reflux has woken me from a dead sleep at 4am to puke until I get some relief. I've had dizzy spells at work where my blood sugar has dropped so low I've had to go home and again, back to the puking, until I feel better and can sleep it off. Basically I've gone from my weight bothering me solely because I can't shop at Target to bothering me because I'm actually getting sick.

I remember feeling happy that my weight had never made me sick. I held onto that I suppose to make myself feel better about my situation. After finally feeling fed up one night I decided to email my insurance and ask about gastric bypass.

For most of you that don't know me that well, I've never been pro-surgery. I believe there are people that it helps and there are people that need it to survive or just to live a normal life. I, for whatever reason, just have never wanted surgery. I was that desperate. Prior to getting married I had looked into it and found out that my insurance did not cover it so I moved on and forgot about it. But since I'm now married and on Chris' insurance I thought, well might as well give it a shot. Turns out my current insurance covers the surgery 100%. I was in shock. I was excited! This is going to change my life. I stayed up and watched youtube videos on  the surgery and looked at before and after pictures, so much inspiration!

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doctor and get her opinion. She was very supportive. I didn't need much from her, but just felt good having her opinion. She said she had many patients that were successful. She also pointed me in the direction of which hospital she recommended. With that I watched the online seminar and scheduled to see their benefits coordinator to make sure my insurance really was accepted 100% and to go over more specifics regarding the process.

In the back of my mind I've always known that my relationship with food was more than an issue on the surface. I saw a counselor when I was in high school specifically for weight related issues but she really didn't help much. I do remember that I liked to see her though. So I thought, what the heck! I found a counselor that I recognized from my linked in profile. The other perk to my insurance besides covering the surgery was that I have mental health benefits and it just costs me 10 dollars a session to see her. Anybody who has ever had to deal with mental health benefits know that they are few and far between and usually only cover a handful of sessions but not mine. I'm very lucky & believe me I know it.

I figured at this point, I would go through whatever is required for the surgery and also have these counseling sessions too. Double up! Double help for Tessa! I'll take it! Meeting with the intake coordinator confirmed that insurance surely does cover gastric 100%. I have to give 2 years weight history, all diet history, follow a 4 month physician supervised diet and then I'm good to go. I also have to have a psych evaluation. When I asked the receptionist about it before I left she said it was basically to weed out people who are food addicts because the surgery wouldn't be the right answer for those individuals.

And as I sit here after 6 or so sessions with my counselor, I understand why. I get why surgery will not work for me.

It was hard to give myself that identity. Food Addict. To identify as an addict of any kind is scary. It's being out of control. Part of realizing and accepting that I'm an addict is to accept that I am a liar. And a manipulator. And that I'm not fully myself anymore. Not as long as I'm powerless.

The light at the end of this tunnel is knowing that I'm finding myself again. I used to like that old Tessa. I don't know where she went. My best guess is the deeper I got into my addiction the more cracks formed and where those cracks formed my light seeped out and I let some darkness in.

WOW this ended up very long and very unfunny! I guess that's what happens when you don't blog during the process.

Here's something to lighten up the mood before I go:

Toodles & I promise not to abandon you again. :)

Hello my name is Tessa and I'm a compulsive overeater...

Hey hey pretty people! Long time, no blog. I can be really lame sometimes. I think I've explained this before. I get really into something and then kaplat. Lost it. Kind of explains my history of dieting, and in turn my MIAness in regards to this blog.  There is a long story to explain this and I will be posting it soon. The title should give some of it away. I look forward to sharing, it's just going on midnight and I don't feel up to it tonight. I didn't forget about you little blog, see you soon!

I will leave you with this little gem- 

 

From the Dirty Girl Mud RUN! I did it! My first 5K. WOOT!